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Most Important Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

How do you handle and live with differences? How do you decide what can remain differences without jeopardizing the relationship? Sometimes love just isn’t enough to keep a couple together. Don’t get married without knowing your future spouse’s thoughts on these issues that can kill a marriage. Compromise is usually not an option if the two of you disagree on these issues that can be deal breakers.

✿ Theology
What do you believe about everything?
Perhaps read through the Desiring God Affirmation of Faith to see where each other is on various biblical doctrines.
Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing process? How do you handle the Bible?

✿ Worship and Devotion
How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
What is the importance of music in life and worship?
What are your daily personal devotional practices? Prayer, reading, meditation, memorization.
What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our lives and future, reading the Bible together?

✿ Husband and Wife
What is the meaning of headship and submission in the Bible and in our marriage?
What are expectations about situations where one of you might be alone with someone of the opposite sex?
How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
What are the expectations for togetherness?
What is an ideal non-special evening?
How do you understand who and how often sex is initiated?
Who does the checkbook—or are there two?

✿ Children
If and when, should we have children? Why?
How many?
How far apart?
Would we consider adoption?
What are the standards of behavior?
What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before they’re…whatever?
What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?
What signs of affection will you show them?
What about school? Home school? Christian school? Public school?

✿ Lifestyle
Own a home or not? Why?
What kind of neighborhood? Why?
How many cars? New? Used?
View of money in general. How much to the church?
How do you make money decisions?
Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between? Why?

✿ Entertainment
How much money should we spend on entertainment?
How often should we eat out? Where?
What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for the kids?

✿ Conflict
What makes you angry?
How do you handle your frustration or anger?
Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
What if we disagree both about what should be done, and whether it is serious?
Will we go to bed angry at each other?
What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

✿ Work
Who is the main breadwinner?
Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home? After kids?
What are your views of daycare for children?
What determines where you will locate? Job? Whose job? Church? Family?

✿ Friends
Is it good to do things with friends but without spouse?
What will you do if one of you really likes to hang out with so and so and the other doesn’t?

✿ Health and Sickness
Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders, venereal disease, etc.)
Do you believe in divine healing and how would prayer relate to medical attention?
How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?
Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?

✿ General Questions
It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not.

Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake.

Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn’t want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage.


The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn’t the issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account.

The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money.

If how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent is an issue before you get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.

If your future spouse doesn’t want to talk about money, or doesn’t think talking about money is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.


There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual’s sexual libido.

However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn’t get married until the issues are settled.

Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk about the issues, or if your future spouse doesn’t see any real problem, or doesn’t want to talk about sex with you, cancel the wedding.


They may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage relationship.

If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to visits, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws will only worsen.


If the answer is “no” or “why should I?” or “Isn’t that your job?”, you have several options.

•You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.

•You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house.

•You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together.
This is another one of those issues that won’t suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.


The answer to this question will reveal several things.

•How your future spouse likes to spend free time.

•The value your future spouse places on having fun together.

•Whether or not you will come first before work.
Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy.

Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends and extended family, or on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc.

Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.


If your future spouse has anger management issues, or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding.

These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don’t think you can “save” him or her. You can’t. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.


Open marriage and swinging is okay for some married couples, but most want and prefer a monogamous relationship. If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn’t, don’t get married until this issue has been discussed.


If your future spouse can’t answer this or won’t answer this, then the two of you need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations.

Why marry someone who doesn’t think your marriage will last?


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