Top 10 Things Wives Want From Their Husbands!
What WOMEN Want From Marriage?????????
In no particular order, here are ten things that many wives often want from their husbands. Note that these are “wants” — not emotional needs. As individuals, we are each responsible for filling our own emotional needs.
1. Telling Her Daily That She is Loved:
Everyone wants to be affirmed. Everyone wants to know they are loved. The best ways to say “I love you” are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways like an unexpected hug or holding hands when you walk together.
Here are some suggestions on how to say “I love you” so that your love for one another goes on forever:
• Make sure you say “I Love You” at least once each day to your spouse.
• Write unexpected love notes.
• When your spouse asks for a favor, consider saying “as you wish.”
• Give your mate an unexpected hug, a surprisingly romantic kiss, or a teasing tickle often.
• Schedule a day to just be leisurely together.
• Share why you love your spouse.
• Don’t forget anniversaries and birthdays.
• Schedule date nights.
• Blow a kiss from across the room.
• Serve breakfast in bed.
• Dance with your spouse in your own living room.
• Hold hands.
• Plan and cook a meal together.
• Say I love you in a different language.
• Be spontaneous and surprising with winking at each other, whisking your spouse away for an unexpected weekend alone, star-gazing together, taking a walk in the rain with one another.
• Give the gift of your time by doing chores for your spouse that your spouse doesn’t like to do, such as folding the clothes, running an errand, washing the car, etc.
• Share memories by looking at old photographs and talking about memories you share together.
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2. Understanding and Forgiveness:
There will be days when your wife will make mistakes or when she will be difficult to be around. No one is perfect. She both wants and deserves your willingness to understand and forgive her. Remember that no relationship can be sustained without forgiveness. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship. Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically.
Health Aspects of Forgiving – If you hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing a perceived hurt can eventually make it in to something more hate and extreme bitterness. Lack of forgiveness can wear you down. Additionally, being unforgiving is not good for either your physical and mental well being.
How to Forgive:
• Be open.
• Make a decision to forgive your spouse.
• When images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.
• Don’t throw an error or mistake back in your spouse’s face at a later date. Don’t use it as ammunition in an argument.
• Don’t seek revenge or retribution. It will only extend the pain.
• Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression.
• Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the hurtful behavior.
• Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your spouse takes time. Don’t try to hurry the process.
• If you continue to be unable to forgive, or you find yourself dwelling on the betrayal or hurt, please seek professional counseling to help you let go and forgive.
How to Ask for Forgiveness:
• Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you’ve caused.
• Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your spouse again by repeating the hurtful behavior.
• Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt.
• Be open to making amends.
• Be patient with your spouse. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don’t dismiss your spouse’s feelings of betrayal by telling your spouse to “get over it.”
Marriage relationships need forgiveness! Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has grumpy days. Many people say things they do not mean now and then. Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. No relationship, especially a marriage relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. Even though you may find it find it difficult to forgive, being able to forgive is crucial in marriage.
Knowing When Enough is Enough:
If your spouse abuses you, continues to betray you, continues to lie to you, etc., then it may be time to say enough is enough and to end your marriage. In these situations, forgiveness for the past hurts may take longer and that is okay.
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Don’t let your conversations with your wife dwindle to nothing but talk about your kids, your jobs, and the weather. If that happens, your marriage relationship could be in real trouble.
Think back to when the two of you were dating one another. Did you have times when you had nothing to say to one another? Probably not. When a couple reaches the point of not having anything to say to one another, their marriage is in serious trouble. Here are some tips on why conversation in a marriage is so essential, and topics to talk about. A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
Most folks don’t marry someone they can’t talk with. A good conversation is when you are both contributing to the conversation. When you are having a good conversation with your spouse, you are both giving each other your undivided attention.
Conversation Fills Many Needs:
• To be connected to another.
• To have your feelings and thoughts heard and respected.
• To learn new things.
• To sort through issues and problems.
• To discuss and explore solutions.
• To reach an understanding of one another.
What to Talk About:
• Your spouse’s hobbies or other interests.
• Plans for a future trip together.
• Memories of your childhoods.
• Movies or television shows.
• Things you would like to experience or places you would like to visit.
• Something you learned during the day or something you did differently or new that day.
• Discuss your thoughts and feelings about the day.
• Ask some questions that begin with “if you could”, or “Have you ever”, or “do you believe.”
Although the news, weather, kids, jobs, money, household chores, health issues, in-laws, friends, etc. are all important topics that the two of you need to talk about, don’t let them be the main focus of your conversations with each other.
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4. Willingness to Make Time for Her and Your Children:
Having quality time with your wife and kids isn’t something that just happens. You have to make it happen by not only making the plans but by following through. Time with those you love has to be a high priority for you.
Don’t let your job or the kids or volunteer work or time with friends and extended family interfere with your marriage. Many couples today find that being married doesn’t guarantee that they will have quality time with one another. If you are both busy, you have to plan to spend time together. Here are some ideas.
1. Schedule a weekend just for the two of you. Write it on your calendar, put it on your computer planner, etc. Don’t change it for any other event. You don’t have to go anywhere.
2. Have lunch together once a week. On nice days, meet in a park.
3. Let your children know that you two need time alone together. Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.
4. Walk around the block together.
5. Do chores together like the dishes or weeding. It may not sound like quality time, but it can be.
6. When you are running errands together, turn off the radio or CD player in the car and talk with one another.
7. Take showers together.
8. Spend 20 minutes a day in daily dialogue.
9. Arrange for a quiet evening at home alone once a month.
10. Hire a babysitter to watch the kids for a couple hours even though you are home. This works wonders!
11. Work out a deal with another couple to have them watch your kids overnight so you can have a romantic evening alone … then you watch their children for them.
12. Schedule dates with one another. Having an evening or afternoon out together twice a month is a good beginning.
13. Volunteer to be a presenting couple on Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille or Engaged Encounter weekends.
14. When you travel together, don’t take work on the plane or road trip. Spend that time talking with each other.
15. Have a one night stand with each other.
1. Bottom line: if you don’t schedule time for one another, you won’t have the time.
What You Need:
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5. Saying “Yes” More Than Saying “No”:
Habitual negative responses to your wife and kids can push them away from you. Think twice before saying “no” and you will be surprised at how saying “yes” can improve your relationships.
Negativity can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, attacking, pessimism, discontent, perfectionism, and hyperintensity. All of these behaviors can push people away, including your spouse.
Ask Yourself These Questions:
1) Do you find yourself in a bad mood on a regular basis? Do you dwell on bad things or painful memories?
2) Are you critical of everyone in your life? Do you look at incidents and events from a negative perspective?
3) Are you a perfectionist? If someone says, “Good Morning”, do you wonder what’s good about it?
4) Are you quick to say “No” and rarely say “Yes” to requests from your wife or kids?
If you answer yes to most of these questions, your negative personality could be having a harmful impact on your marriage, change your pattern of negativity! If you are chronically negative, you can change your pattern of negative thinking. But you have to want to make this change.
Here are some things you can do to be more positive:
• Eat healthy foods
• Get enough sleep
• Do something each day to make you smile. Keep this simple, like listening to a favorite song, spending time on a creative hobby, watching a funny video, or taking a bubble bath.
• When you feel a negative response entering your mind, question it. Force yourself to think of something positive instead.
• Stay in contact with positive people.
• Accept compliments.
• Be open to seeking professional help.
Help Your Negative Spouse:
If you are married to a negative personality, you are not responsible for making him/her feel better. However, here are some things you can do to help your spouse be more positive:
• Do not take the negativity personally.
• Remember that the negativity is your spouse’s problem, not yours.
• If your spouse rejects your offers of help, don’t over react.
• Spend time with positive folks. You will need some time off from your spouse’s negativity.
• Invite your spouse to take a walk with you at least once a week.
• Acknowledge your mate’s positive accomplishments.
• Encourage your partner to try new things.
• Don’t be afraid to say “Enough!” and change the subject to something more positive.
• Be open to seeking professional help.
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6. Listening Well:
It’s really disheartening for a wife to share her thoughts and feelings with her mate and then realize that he didn’t actually listen to her. Your wife wants you to not only listen with your ears, but to listen with your heart. True listening can be a challenge. Here are techniques and resources to help you be a better listener.
Reasons Why Your Spouse Won’t Listen to You
A listening problem in your marriage could be related to issues that your spouse has, your method of delivery, or a combination of both.
True listening can be a challenge. Here are techniques and resources to help you be a better listener.
Top Ten Listening Tips
One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in communication in a marriage. Here are some tips on how to be a more effective and life-giving listener.
When Your Spouse Won’t Listen
Is it possible to force a partner to listen when they don’t want to?
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7. Affection and Kindness:
How often do you say “please” or “thank you” or give your spouse an unexpected kiss? Unfortunately, some married couples forget that being kind and affectionate to one another are keys to a successful marriage.
Without kindness in your relationship, your marriage won’t last. Here are some ways to check up on yourself to see how kind you are in your marriage:
•You say “yes” a lot more than “no” when your spouse asks for a favor or for help.
•You are willing to share that last piece of pie or cookie because being kind is being generous.
•You listen with your heart.
•You don’t interrupt your spouse.
•You are polite and say “please” and “thank you” when speaking to your spouse.
•You don’t think it is old fashioned to open a heavy door for your spouse or to share your jacket if your mate is shivering.
•You show respect for your mate.
•You let your spouse know how much he/she is appreciated.
•You don’t roll your eyes when your spouse says something you disagree with or something you think is trivial or boring.
•You routinely look for the good in your spouse.
•You are helpful.
•You don’t allow unkind comments to flow from your lips.
•You make sure that your teasing is fun and not hurtful.
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8. Sharing Household and Child Rearing Responsibilities:
One of the main reasons couples fight is conflict over who is doing what around the house. Chores and child care are not the sole responsibility of your wife. She shouldn’t have to ask you to do your share around the house.
Conflict over domestic duties and chores around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage. The key thing to remember is to not ask your spouse for help in getting chores done. Asking for help sets the stage for you having to do all the work.
Here are more suggestions on how to divide up household tasks and how to cope with an uncooperative spouse:
What to Do If Your Spouse Won’t Cook Now and Then
If you are bothered by the fact that your spouse won’t or doesn’t want to cook a meal now and then, here are suggestions on how to deal with this issue.
Do You Think Your Spouse is a Slob?
Sharing household chores together is only fair, but if you have a spouse who won’t work with you on keeping the house and yard clean and maintained, perhaps you are making some mistakes. Here are some common mistakes you can make when trying to motivate your spouse to share in household chores.
How to Divide the Household Chores
Don’t ask your husband for help around the house. Asking for help gives the impression that the household chores are only your job and responsibility. Instead, ask your spouse to do his share.
Why Nagging Doesn’t Work
Why nagging doesn’t work, and hints on finding other ways to communicate with your spouse.
Chores Issues to Talk About Before You are Married
Here are questions on time and chores issues that you as an engaged couple should talk about with each other before you are married.
Fair Division of Chores Question and Answer
J.F. thinks because his wife is a SAHM that she should do most of the household chores.
Chores, Chores, Chores
Conflict over domestic duties around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage. Here are suggestions on fairly divvying up the dreaded list of things to do.
Although many women complain about their husbands not helping around the house, they may be actually inhibiting their spouse’s involvement in housework and child-care by subtle sabotage.
Avoid the Chore Wars
Do the two of you still play the ‘chores war’ game? That is when you argue over not only who does what chore around the house, but also when and…
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9. A Day Off Now and Then:
Don’t fuss about your wife taking a day off several times a month. This means that she will be free from worrying about what is happening with the kids, the house, the pets, and you. She deserves this break in her schedule and she needs to provide it for herself to be emotionally and physically healthy.
“I need some space!!” So often, this phrase is tossed out without really thinking about what is being said. This can result in unrealistic expectations and hurt feelings by both partners in a marriage.
“However much you love your work, you still need a vacation. However much you love your family, you still need some time alone. People tend to feel guilty about taking time for themselves. Perhaps they wouldn’t if they realized that doing so gave them more energy to devote to the ones they love.”
When one of you says you need some space, what type of space are you asking for?
• Creative space
• Quiet space
• Working space
• Emotional space
• Fun space
• Away space
• Financial space
Dr. Laura Vaz, a psychoanalyst, has stated in an article at http://www.shaadi.com, “Space means accepting the person with his differences. It means not moulding someone into the image that you want to see but to accept that there will be difference and not forcing a change on your partner. Space includes the element of privacy. People want time for themselves.”
Vanetta Chapman writes in Christianity Today that “When couples dedicate themselves to allowing each other the space and outside interests they need, they have stronger marriages. According to Dr. James Dobson the one factor that’s done more damage to families than any other is ‘fatigue and time pressure, which leaves every member of the family exhausted and harried.’ One way to avoid that trap of exhaustion is to allow each other some time alone.”
Benefits of Having Your Own Space
• Time for self-realization.
• Quiet moments to exchange thoughts with yourself.
• Time to re-energize, regroup, and reconnect.
Recommendations When Discussing Your Need for Space:
• Define what type of space you are needing and be honest.
• Don’t wait until you are feeling suffocated or trapped in your marriage to ask for space.
• Accept that wanting or needing space in your marriage is okay. It doesn’t mean that your marriage is in trouble.
• Let your spouse know that you are still very committed to your marriage and that your needing space or alone time or away time doesn’t diminish your love or desire for your mate.
• If your spouse is asking for some space, don’t take it personally.
• Don’t measure or judge your marriage by the way other couples live. Do what is best for the both of you.
How to Give One Another Space:
• If the need requires physical space such as a corner of a room, a desk, a chair, etc., then work together to create this physical space.
• If the space needed is emotional, then don’t chatter on when your mate is reading a book, or has asked for a quiet evening.
• If the space desired is away space – going fishing, a weekend away at a spa – time without you or the kids – then make plans for this type of time away in your budget planning and calendar planning.
• Financial space can be created by having separate checking accounts for agreed upon monthly allowances.
• Give one another a day off several times a month and schedule it on your family calendar. This means that the spouse with the day off is free from responsibilities concerning the kids, pets, and the house. Start off with three hours of free time, and work towards more time as you both get used to the idea.
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10. Commitment to Take Care of Yourself Both Physically and Emotionally:
Many men are notorious for not taking care of themselves when it comes to health issues. This isn’t fair to your wife. She is your lover not your mother. Take responsibility for your own health concerns.
Bickering Isn’t Healthy for Your Marriage
A study by Ohio State University revealed that being in a troubled marriage is bad for your health. Although other studies have reported marital stress being bad for your health, this study focuses on the production of proinflammatory cytokines and the negative long-term consequences of bickering on a person’s health.
What to Do When Your Spouse Won’t See a Doctor
When you can see that your spouse isn’t feeling well or has obvious medical problems, it is natural to worry. That worry increases when your spouse won’t see a doctor. Here’s what you can do and what you shouldn’t do when your spouse refuses to get medical help.
A Bad Mood is Contagious
If either you or your spouse are in a bad mood, there are two realities you should face.
ADD and Marriage
Two people, both with ADD, can have a good marriage if you keep the lines of communication open, and if you don’t try to coach one another.
11 ADD/ADHD Behaviors That Could Be Killing Your Marriage
Many times an adult is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD after a child is diagnosed. Then light bulbs go off in the other spouse’s head as behaviors that hurt and sabotage the marriage are recognized as symptoms of ADHD and not a lack of caring or motivation.
Living With an ADHD Spouse
What is it like to live with a spouse with ADHD/ADD? Do you have any tips for others in the same situation? Please share your tips and experiences.
Ways to Support Your Wife Through Menopause
Marriage relationships can suffer when a wife goes through menopause. Knowing the symptons, understanding the physiological and emotional psychological changes, and supporting your wife’s treatment decisions are a few of the ways to support your wife as she experiences menopause.
When the Bug Bites
Suggestions and Hints for Dealing with Ill Spouses
~By Sheri & Bob Stritof